you don't know

found here

I don't want you to know that... 

I feel like a hypocrite a lot of the time sometimes because of what I write on here.  As a reader of this blog, you know that I am always trying to uplift you, inspire you, and feel like you are always Enough.  Secretly, I don't really feel that I do this for myself.  I don't always feel Enough.  

on some nights I read through my posts and can't believe that I am the person who writes this blog.  I blow myself away sometimes.  I wish I was Nay.

my childhood was "okay" but could've been so much better.  Those things that were done to me between the ages of 5 to 13 sucked.  I've written about it before on here.  I try not to let it define me.  It's getting easier, but I know that I am the way I am because of it and it pisses me off.

I have a poor self-image of myself.  Every morning I wake up and struggle with what to wear and I look at my body and cringe.  I hate that about myself.  And when I do feel good about myself or how I look, I talk myself out of it.  Stupid girl.

I am jealous that so many other blogs get upteenth comments and I don't.  I feel that the measure of my blog is the interaction of the writer to the reader.  When I don't get comments or new followers or acknowledgement, I feel like no one even cares that I write a blog.

I am the first person a lot of people go to so that they can drain out the shittiness of their lives.  I can give every person that I come into contact with a little bit of warmth and encouragement.  Everything I tell them to do to make it all better or just listening because that's all they really want anyway...I don't accept for myself.  

I used to smoke.  Since I was 19.  And I quit on March 19, 2012.  And every day...every damn day...I want a cigarette.  Just one.  Just to inhale that nicotine and blow everything bottled up inside of me out.

I don't accept kindness well.  I feel like people are nice to me because they have to be or they feel like they need to be.  It's a problem, I know.

I miscarried between my daughter and my son.  Almost 8 years ago.  I want more children, but other than not trying to have one, what stops me...what stops me from fulfilling that want is the fear that it will happen again.  I can't go through that again.

I want to be a good mother.  I feel like I fail a lot of the time.  My children love me so very much and I just want to hold them tight and say, "I hope you always feel that way."

I fear that I will lose everything I have.  That one day everything will be taken away from me and I will be alone with someone saying, "I told you so."

I have a hard time when I know that my parents are going to visit.  I have to prepare myself.  I try to lose as much weight as I can and try to remember as many good things about myself so that I can impress them somehow.

I want to say so much more, but I'm scared that the few readers I do have will leave me forever because of this post.

I don't want you to know that... 

it took so much out of me to write this.  

Thank you to Kym for lighting the way.  I found you through Erin.  Can't believe I just let that all out.