In Real Life

“Sometimes I feel small and insignificant in this big world. I get to a point where I think I'll just collapse at my feet and won't be able to get up anymore. I get so exhausted with my daily routine-trudging through the ins and outs of my life. Everyday I go to work. Monday through Wednesday I have class. Sometimes I wonder how I can do it all and not suffocate with each breath I take. How I can keep doing what I'm doing and not cry myself to sleep every night. Because God knows I want to. I want to bury myself in my bed and not come out until I know it's safe. Sometimes my legs can't move one more step but I do. I don't know how I do it but I do. I can't stop now. It will be over sooner than I think and I know I'll look back at this time of my life and say to myself - You did it. See? You could do anything.”

I haven't really been writing on the blog if you haven't noticed.  Sure there's a post every other day or so, but it's been a giveaway here, a link up there...I haven't wanted to let you in lately.  Maybe because I haven't been "awesome".  I didn't want to write and say how exhausted I've been, how not motivated to do anything I've been, or how I have been pretending my days away.  But real life happens....

In real life...I'm not always perky and happy.
In real life...sometimes I just want to stay in bed when the alarms goes off and pretend to be sick.
In real life...I have to suck it up and do things.
In real life...I disappoint myself.
In real life...I have to stop doing things even though it makes me feel like a failure.

I hate putting this down on virtual paper - and I think this will only be a big deal to me - but I had to drop my Biology lecture & lab.  I dropped it because I knew I wasn't getting it -even with all the studying and work I was putting into it - and I would eventually fail the class.  I was petrified of having anything lower than a C on my college transcripts, so I dropped the class on Wednesday night.  You would think I'd have this sense of relief after clicking the Withdraw from Course button.

I didn't.

Even though I've been a walking zombie since this semester started and my stress was on overdrive, I feel like a failure.  I feel like a quitter.

I feel like I can't be inspiring or empowering to others if I can easily quit because I'm weak.
That's real life these days.
I can't hang.  Period.
I can't be a mom, wife, full-time employee, college student, blogger, daughter, friend all at the same time.  So I had to simplify and get a grip.  Unfortunately, because of it, I don't feel like I did a good thing.

In real life...well, it's not all easy.
In real life...you beat yourself up.
In real life...you run out of energy and start dragging.
In real life...you do what you have to do and worry about it later.

In real life...you talk about it and then let it go.