About Last Night

Last night I was brave.
Last night I took mighty steps to renewing and healing myself.
Last night was a big deal.
Last night I gave a voice to my story and my steps to forgiving myself.

Yesterday I shared this forgiveness letter that I had wrote my final term paper on.  I had the opportunity to write about numerous subjects that had to do with interpersonal communication, but when the professor said we had an option to write a forgiveness letter...well, I knew it was time.

See, I have been planning to write this type of letter to myself for a very long time.  It's almost twenty years in the making.  As I turned forty this year, I wanted to reinvent myself somehow.  I wanted to create the Me that I had always longed for.  I needed to become the person that others seem to see but I have such a hard time accepting.

So I started writing.  It's what I know how to do.  It is what has always helped me when I needed to let it out.  I have published a lot of it here, as you know.  I haven't read  it out loud in front of a group of people.

I lie.  I have...I once took a writing workshop, about five years ago maybe, and when I shared my writing sample...
I just couldn't get through it.  I couldn't stop crying.  I didn't stop crying as I walked out of that workshop and into my car to drive home and get out of there.  I wasn't ready.  Yet.

But last night....
I stood in front of that class.  I told my story.

My hands were shaking as I held onto my letter with a death grip.  I passed out the quote I pinned on yesterday's post and asked for someone to read it aloud.  I let the short words by Fitzgerald fill me and I began.

"The earliest memory was when I was five years old.  I was sexually abused...by many men in my family.  I have learned to accept that this happened to me.  I haven't been good to myself.  I have done things to myself that I am not proud of but that I did to prove my unworthiness.  This letter is the first step to the reinvention of Renee." (I am paraphrasing here, but this is how I started it.)

I then read my letter...with strength...with tears that didn't cripple me...and with bravery.

via

I know that this is not the only thing I need to do to.  I know there are many more steps in this new journey.  I know I have to trek through many more roads...but I did it.

I took the first step...the first step to Reinventing Nay.